


My Body’s Not a Temple

by TheLeanBean



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Cannibalism, Canon-Typical Body Horror, Dehumanization, Gen, Guilt, Hopeful Ending, Isolation, Monster Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Season 4 AU, The Archivist goes on a roadtrip, it sounds worse than it is, no beta im writing this from the lonely
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-12 05:55:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28880559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLeanBean/pseuds/TheLeanBean
Summary: Maybe it was, the final words of Jon, before the Archivist took his place. It was a foolish thought, because the Archivist was always him, there wasn't a spot where Jon ended and the Archivist began. But maybe it would've been better if there was. Jon could be gone and nobody would ever have to worry about him again. They could move on, no longer having to bear the burden of Jon and the Archivist sharing the same space and watching a friend slowly sink deeper and deeper into inhumanity. Jon would be dead, and the Archivist's problems would follow him to wherever he went instead of hurting the people he loved.S4 Jon runs away from the institute, gives away his remaining humanity, and learns about the eye.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 42
Kudos: 123





	1. It is a Vessel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to write some angst, but I mostly write comedy so let's see how long that lasts. Disclaimer: I live in Cornland USA so there’s bound to be numerous cultural and vocabulary differences. I also take forever to write stuff, so hopefully having some parts written of the other chapters will help me not take 5 months on this like my 2 other fics that I haven’t posted yet.   
> Which is why I'm forcing myself to start posting this one, so that it doesn't sit around like the other 2   
> Titles from Searching… by King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard
> 
> Warnings for body horror, cannibalism, canon typical eating disorders, self-deprecation, dehumanization, rated T for cursing & stuff

Jon didn't want to hurt people, he really didn't. He'd been hungry ever since he woke up. After stumbling around for quite a while and it was only by accident that he discovered how to feel full again. How to function, how to exist without the gnawing hunger of the eye always pouring on him causing him to lose his focus and snap. He tried to resist it, going on as long as he could until the pressure became unbearable and the Eye won. He didn't even record it, his meals, despite a piece of him wanting to, to physically manifest his record of fear. Even so it was only a matter of time before the others found out, and Jon couldn't tell if it was a relief or if he dreaded what came next. The proof that he was no longer human, and if he accepted that it was hunger and not addiction, then it was the mark that he was a monster, not worthy of life.

Martin had taken the statement of what he'd done and wouldn’t even face him to tell him to stop. Then to turn around and ask the man to gouge out his eyes and run away with him, it was a fool's errand. He'd walked in there looking like hell, admitted that it was because he wasn't actively harming people, and then proposed to destroy his own eyeballs, neglecting to remember that it was the Eye that was keeping him alive in the first place. Martin was right, he couldn't even survive without the eye at this point. He was actively dying by not feeding into it. He didn't want to hurt people, but he didn't want to die, but if he fed, then Basira would 'put a stop to it.' So when Melanie decides to quit, he takes that opportunity to leave as well. He waited until the paramedics showed up, gave his statement and then excused himself. He’s not consciously thinking about it, his body just moves out of the institute as the chaos swirls around him. When he steps out onto the streets of London, he feels both hollow without the Archives, but the most free he’s been in months. 

Despite the threats to his life, he would still miss them. He felt bad for leaving Daisy to cope with the Hunt by herself knowing she was fighting a similar fight and was allowing herself to die by it rather than succumb to it like a coward, like him. His heart tore at the thought of leaving Martin without telling him how he felt in person, but he also knew that Martin didn't want to see him anymore. It didn't matter how much Jon loved him, he wasn't going to press the man into loving him back, loving a monster. Jon of course didn't leave them without a final word. He'd left tapes for everyone ranging from his proclamation of love to Martin, to a promise to do better and that maybe now that he was gone they could all finally be safe from the dangers that follow him.  
He listened to them once after recording and realized how much they sounded like a suicide note. Maybe it was, the final words of Jon, before the Archivist took his place. It was a foolish thought, because the Archivist was always him, there wasn't a spot where Jon ended and the Archivist began. But maybe it would've been better if there was. Jon could be gone and nobody would ever have to worry about him again. They could move on, no longer having to bear the burden of Jon and the Archivist sharing the same space and watching a friend slowly sink deeper and deeper into inhumanity. Jon would be dead, and the Archivist's problems would follow him to wherever he went instead of hurting the people he loved. 

The Archivist opted first to get far from London, he wasn't worried about the authorities getting him, as he wasn't on the run for murder this time. He just had to get out, to leave everything behind, and to find out truly what he was. So he went and booked a flight to Egypt.

The Archivist wasn't certain if the creature in Alexandria was still alive. After what Gertrude had done he was certain that it wasn't. It was rather the movement of following the eye through history, seeing how it manifested in ways before him and before the Magnus Institute. The unfortunate truth of him being away from his Archives did mean that he couldn't go back and see if there were any other old manifestations of the eye listed on the statements, but if need be he was certain that the sister Institute in Beijing would at least let him in again.  
The news had reported where the explosions had occurred, making it quite easy to find where the Serapeum had been. The Archivist's heart ached at the lost history here, the lost records of fear and how they manifested centuries ago. From there the Archivist let the Eye lead him down alleys, past buildings until he found himself heading down a dark ladder, through a corridor, and into a small chamber lined with dusty scrolls. He could see where the areas around it had collapsed, but there were still various passages extending from the room. 

Curiosity struck the Archivist and he reached for one of the scrolls and unfurled it. It unfurled easily and the text was legible despite its age. The tape recorder clicked on and the Archivist began to read. It left him no more full than the ones at the Institute, but an interesting read nonetheless.  
He rolled up the scroll and set it on the shelf again. He went to go reach for another when a large skeletal hand grasped his arm and tore it away throwing the Archivist on the ground. 

"Quite protective of these aren't you. Considering what Gertrude did to your Catacombs, I'm not surprised."  
It's eye met his and the creature recoiled. The Archivist got up, and the creature took a step away from the Archivist and hesitantly bowed. The Archivist did not like the implications of that.  
“Well, I’m going to have a look around, alright?” The Archivist told it. The creature didn’t respond, likely due to its lack of mouth, so the Archivist just went back to going through the scrolls like he was before. The creature just hovered off to the side and the Archivist found himself disappointed by its inaction.

The Archivist turned to leave when something in him stirred. While the Archive was mostly gone it's record keeper was right here, slowly rotting away. It had tended these Archives for centuries, it knew the statements in and out, wouldn't a creature like that be put to better use? The Archivist found himself grabbing a hold of the rotting creature and he calmly removed its last remaining eye, without it struggling. The creature’s body fell to dust the moment the eye was removed and the Archivist took a moment to examine it, as it still pulsed with the creature's life within, waiting for his next move. The Archivist took the eye to his lips and swallowed it, feeling more whole than he had in his whole life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Om nom nom
> 
> do i feel confident about this uh nope, but I'll post anyway. tma has spawned my first dose of writing for fun in about 5 years so, yeah.  
> Would Jon be scared of the Archivist of Alexandria, he did express distinct distaste for mummies.   
> How did the Archivist find the Serapeum after Gertrude had blown up the recorded entrance???  
> Me: idk the eye led him, uhh it's a secret. I don’t know enough about the history of the Serapeum nor its relation to modern day Alexandria and thus textual teleportation.   
> I went and looked at a couple of images of the Catacombs and boy howdy would they be stupid scary if they weren’t lit up.
> 
> anyway, eat sleep rave repeat


	2. A Blank Slate, An Empty Harddrive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An eye opens and the Archivist has a few meals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter came out later because I was spending my free time working on my panopticon 3d model in hopes that I could get it out before 192, but alas there's only so much you can do to speed up an estimated 5 day long render time.  
> But! Rendering does give me time to write on my phone. That also means that the formatting though, is probably atrocious!
> 
> Warnings for, body horror, eavesdropping/ spying, the Archivist's eating habits, cannibalism

A week later the eye opened up in the scar that Daisy had given to him, it was obnoxiously large and somewhat difficult to hide, but the Archivist sort of liked it. Aside from the visual enhancement, the Archivist felt more aware than before. He could feel the Archives back in London despite still residing in Egypt, and while he didn't necessarily want to spy on the people there he did feel the need to check on them. Just as before Basira and Daisy were still there. Basira seemed to be digging through his old office, likely looking for something to go off of to find him. She turned and looked towards the direction that he was looking from, walked over and picked him up.

"He's not here you know, " she said and pressed something which caused the Archivist to lose his focus. He laughed to himself, he must be the tape recorder.

The Archivist found himself doing that from time to time, checking on the Archives. He said he was going to separate himself from them, but he was just so worried. He still could only see inside the Archives, so seeing Martin was unfortunately out of the equation. He still got his hopes up every time he checked though, just in case. Martin didn't need to be burdened by the dangers of a monster being in love with him though, so the Archivist just reminded himself that it was for the best.

After a month the Archivist started needing to take live statements again. He’d found a tourist one night getting followed by a manifestation of the dark. After saving the man from his pursuer the Archivist decided to ask about the encounter. Something about his enhanced sight allowed him to find statements as they were happening easier. It settled a bit of the guilt in the Archivist’s stomach and made the statements seem more like a transaction rather than him hunting people down and stealing from them.

When Martin came back to the Archives, the Archivist barely noticed. It wasn’t intentional, as once the Archivist noticed Martin was all he could focus on. With Martin came an aura of Lonely that nearly had kept him out of the Archivist’s sight, but once the Archivist noticed he jumped his focus into the Archives in an attempt to dispel the dreary wave. Martin noticed the tape recorder and seemed to get sadder to the Archivist’s dismay.

"Oh hello there, it's uh, just me here. You can listen if you like but, I hope you're not waiting for anything. " Martin told the recorder.

The Archivist looked around the Archives and sure enough Martin was the only one there. Sitting alone at his old desk. The Archivist wanted to fly back to London immediately and comfort Martin. To reach out and make up for lost time. But something told the Archivist that the only reason Martin was back in the Archives was because he was gone. It didn't really matter because Martin didn't want to see him anyway.

The Archivist was running out of things to do in Alexandria, as while there were certainly things he wanted to go and search into, being an emissary to the Eye doesn’t grant any privileges beyond Knowing how to sneak in and out of places. A few close calls left the Archivist unmotivated to sneak into any more ancient Eye adjacent temples. Having it be your right as the Archivist and actually convincing researchers that you could be there were two different things.

The Archivist was headed back to the hotel after one of his research sessions, when he caught a strong whiff of the hunt, and well, he was a bit hungry. He could feel the hunter's trail and he followed it to the source of the call. He rounded a corner to see Julia and Trevor with their backs to him. They whipped around and looked at him with malicious intent, and the Archivist was reminded that often the hunt went after monsters as their prey.

The Archivist thought to attempt to run away, but he found himself not afraid in the slightest. The Eye informed him that he wasn't and was never to be prey. Despite the Eye's passive nature towards its avatars, the Eye had revived him from the dead as well as fused Alexandria's Archivist and all its power to him. He wasn’t some monster of the day for two hunters to end without a second thought. The Eye had led him to them, they were his.

"Why are you here?" He asked them.

"Elias sent us to fetch you." Julia responded.

"I'm not his to have."

"We thought so ourselves, but he at least gave us enough instruction to find you." Trevor told him.

"So you've come to kill me?" "Yes," they both responded.

"But you won't."

"We will." Trevor retorted.

"No, I Know that you won't." The Archivist told them and the searing gaze of his Eyes bore on them.

While the Archivist wasn't too fond of swallowing eyes, he also wasn't one to deny a gift from the Ceaseless Watcher. Especially ones that didn't involve hurting innocent people. So when Julia and Trevor both became frozen stiff under the Eyes gaze, waiting for action, the Archivist decided to check if it was even possible. Julia's eyes practically jumped into his hands, and both he and Trevor witnessed her crumble to dust. The Archivist felt a bit bad, especially since he Knew how Trevor felt about this, but he couldn't afford to die, not yet. Some part of him revelled in Trevor's anger, and when that anger turned to fear the Archivist bit down a smirk.

The Archivist knew that Elias would keep on sending people out to capture him and return him to the Archives. As much as he wanted to go back to China, they’d likely snitch on him to Elias. So the Archivist left Egypt and headed to Germany.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dude I posted the first chapter of this the day before 191 came out to the public not knowing that they brought up the other archivists. Good 2 know that our boy has some more supplemental snacking material beyond what I have planned for here. 
> 
> I keep accidentally typing Jon instead of the Archivist, forgetting that there's no Jon here only self deprecating edgelord extraordinaire: the Archivist. 
> 
> Writing the encounter with Julia and Trevor was hard, and it's why this was released later than I wanted it to be. Action scenes aren't really my thing I guess, so I decided just to bypass it entirely.
> 
> The Archivist: I’m leaving my past behind me & I’m not going to drag anyone else into my mess.  
> Also the Archivist: I have to make sure that they are ok. Is that Martin??? Hey Martin <3<3<3 don’t be sad!!! Please notice me as I blatantly invade your privacy!!!  
> I don’t have the next chapter written at all beyond a few paragraphs, so we’ll see how long it takes me. 
> 
> Also! Thank you for all the comments!   
>  Unfortunately my brain is the equivalent of a loading bar and I have trouble figuring out how to respond. I hope that I can follow through.
> 
> Remember : eat sleep rave repeat


	3. I'll Do Anything, Alter Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Archivist visits a grave site and digs in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a lot longer to post than the other chapters, I got hit with no brain syndrome along with this chapter fighting me the whole way through.
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: Offscreen Cannibalism, spying, self deprication, body horror

It was on the plane to Germany that the two new pairs of eyes opened up. The Archivist found himself suddenly aware of every living being on that plane, and it was loud. He could sense their heart beats, their actions, their fears, and it was glorious. 

More than that though, was the bliss of the airport and his newfound awareness of the marked. As the Archivist alone he could sense those with a story, once he spotted them, but now he just knew, there was no hunting involved, his gaze would lead him. He wasn’t hungry though. He wouldn’t indulge in it just for curiosity's sake. 

What the Archivist would indulge in though, was his daily dose of Martin watching. He quickly found that his range increased to outside of the Archives when he noticed that he was inside Elias’s office, with Elias sitting at the desk speaking to Martin. Elias stopped mid sentence noticing the tape recorder and reached to turn it off. The Archivist wasn’t letting go that quickly though, and clicked it back on. Elias sighed, threw a jacket over it, and went back to speaking to Martin. Listening in the Archivist overheard something about a deal with Peter Lukas, and how him leaving had thrown a wrench in it. The Archivist felt a little pride about disrupting the plans those two had made, but even more so Martin’s involvement in the deal was distressing. Elias left pulling his coat back over the recorder, leaving Martin alone. Martin got up to follow tucking the recorder away. 

The Archivist listened as Martin met up with Peter Lukas and entered the tunnels, patiently eavesdropping as Elias and Peter bickered in front of the corpse of Jonah Magnus, and learned that with Peter’s loss of the bet the man would begin to hunt him down for Elias. Most of all though he learned that Elias wasn’t Elias, and he decided that Jonah would have to go. 

The Archivist mulled over between immediately going back to London and stopping Jonah or continuing his quest to the grave of Johann von Württemberg. While he was often one for rash and sudden decisions, the Archivist knew that immediately there wasn’t anything he could do to stop Jonah, and if Peter Lukas was on his way it wouldn’t hurt to redirect while the man was still looking for him in Germany. The Archivist also wasn’t sure if he was ready to face Martin anymore. His embarrassing confession aside, the Archivist felt altered from humanity. Compared to the actions of other Avatars the Archivist was barely a monster, but when he peered at himself in the mirror with all his eyes, and the sickly satisfaction he got from it, he couldn’t help but feel ashamed. 

It wasn’t right to love as he was, he wasn’t worthy even if Martin were to reciprocate, he wouldn’t be worthy of it. He was self centered at his core, even when he’d try and help others, it was always an only him affair. Now here he was killing and traumatizing to stay alive, but still human enough in perception to be liable of guilt. Each new addition strayed him further from humanity, but he still couldn’t shake the guilt, he still had to swallow the shame with every meal, and he still woke up every morning shaking from nightmares that he wasn’t even the victim in.

The Archivist hoped that by the time he had to see Martin again, the Eye would have hollowed him out enough that the worries were gone, and that Martin would just be allowed to let go. Now knowing about Jonah though, the Archivist couldn’t let him continue to manipulate and terrorize his assistants, all for a selfish act of self preservation. No, instead the Archivist would have to confront the man while straddling the line between guilty and monster, vulnerable to the thoughts of those around him, and a physical embodiment of disappointment. 

Stepping into the Black Forest was an interesting feeling. It held a similar feeling of the unknown that the tunnels had, but with spots of Knowing spread across it. The clear spots were either from frequent human travel, or in the Archivist’s case a grave site that had luckily been preserved calling to him.

As the Archivist walked deeper into the forest towards the grave site, he began to question his motivations towards going. He wasn’t beyond his ego to admit that he wasn’t built to go tromping through the forest just to state his own curiosity. He’d almost turned around to head back when he could feel a tugging,  _ just a little further _ .

While the Archivist was glad he hadn’t been trudging through the snow in the dead of winter as Von Closen did, he had to admit that Von Closen did have the advantage of not dealing with the mess that was weeds. When he’d finally come across the grave site, time had obviously not done it any favours. He stepped past the deeply sunken graves and began tearing away the foliage enough to pry the mausoleum door open.

“It’s not often one sees an Archivist of your power away from home.” called a voice from behind. The Archivist turned towards it, feeling the prickles of a smile coming to his lips. From midway across the grave site stood the man as described in Von Closen’s statement. Who stark against the snowy environment, now stood muted, fitting against the decrepit graves. 

“Though, considering its proximity to Mr. Magnus, I’m not one to blame you for wanting to leave.”

“You know he’s the one who kept your books right?”

“That still doesn’t justify his associate stealing them in the first place.”

“No it does not.” The Archivist swiveled back to the mausoleum, peering in towards the descending stairwell. 

“You may take a look inside, as long as nothing leaves” the man said to him, the Archivist nodded and descended downward. 

As the Archivist descended the tug he had felt earlier seemed to want to drag him back up. The bottom of the stairs felt like he was stretching a rubber band just waiting for it to pull him back up. As a result anything that he thought he could find of interest down there was lessened by the insistent tug, begging him to go back to the surface. 

“Back so soon?” The man asked.

The Archivist gave him a tired look, “I apologize, it seems that the grave site isn’t what the Eye meant for me to visit.”

“Oh.”

  
  
  


The Archivist now found himself standing in front of the man’s corpse, and the Eye’s insistence at eating his eyes, and well if Jonathan Fanshawe’s statement was anything to go off of, all the Archivist would need to do was look a little deeper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ew  
> Also when doing research for this chapter it turns out the episode where Johann was mentioned was also the same episode where Martin interrupted Jon mid-statement due to his “lack of trousers.” just a fun little fact.  
> I skimmed over the scenes in the panopticon just because I didn’t want to needlessly pad this with things that we already have basically heard.  
> [Here’s a sketch I did of the Archivist ](https://theleanbean.tumblr.com/post/643497369632194560/the-man)
> 
> I was looking at some photos on Google of Schwarzwald & holy moly talk about getting lost in some trees. Normally over the summer I go on an outdoors based vacation but this year due to the covid that didn’t happen & I’m really missing long hikes & fresh air. Especially with this terrible weather dude.
> 
> As always,  
> Eat Sleep Rave Repeat


	4. Let Me See, Give Me More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some Backtracking, the Archivist's farewell message, and then some

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's right kiddos it's Martin Perspective time.  
> Its a bit of a short one this time  
> Warnings: suicidal thoughts, cannibalism, body horror

_ "Recording by the Archivist regarding his disappearance.  _

_ I have come to the conclusion that my presence here is only causing further danger for you all and the Institute as a whole. Julia and Trevor have made it quite clear that they intend to come back, the web is making itself quite obvious with its presence in Elias's absence, and I do not wish for you all to get caught in the crossfire any longer. Melanie is free, Daisy is no longer trapped in the buried, and I'm deciding to respect Martin's decision to stay away by removing myself from the equation completely. No I am not killing myself, I am just leaving. I have spent over a month away from the Archives, and I am certain that I could survive on live statements alone. This does mean that I will be surviving off of live statements from here on. The eye is what is keeping me alive, and it has made it fervently clear that paper statements will not satisfy it for much longer. Is it selfish to want to stay alive? Something is happening, some grand scheme that I can’t see properly, I’m afraid that I’m a part of it but even more I fear that my passing would only be a minor setback. If I’m aware of it, if I can learn about it, maybe I can stop it. I don't want anyone else to be the Archivist, I can't die knowing that someone else will be bearing my burden, especially if it becomes one of you. _

_ You are welcome to go and hunt me down and kill me if you can't live with that. We can call this as the moment that you know for absolute certainty that Jon is gone and I'm just the Archivist now. It still may be hard to draw the line between the two beings, but I think that it will help you stop worrying about me or even forget your own guilt about not keeping me in check. It's not your fault, even if I didn't want this, I suppose that I chose this, and I am choosing now to let you all let me go.  _

_ Martin, there’s absolutely no easy way to say this. I love you so much it's unbearable and I wish I had realized sooner, before I became this monster. Some mornings you are the only reason I can get out of bed. I just want to grip you and hold you all to myself, but I know in my heart that it isn't right. You deserve so much more than me, you deserve someone who can keep you safe, and won't bring the danger to you. You deserve someone who doesn't accidentally know things about you, and can respect your privacy. You pour your soul into everything, you wear your heart open and with pride, you are stronger than you'll ever know, and you don't deserve to have me dragging you down. Here I am preaching about letting you all forget about me and then dropping a love confession in the middle of it. I just suppose that I wouldn't be able to have any semblance of peace without you knowing, even though you don't want to see me anymore. I don't blame you for not wanting a monster like me around you. I have taken so much.  _

_ Despite me saying that this is me allowing you to forget about me, and if you find me, feel free to reach out to me if you need any help. I will desperately miss you all but I know that this is for the best. I'm going to try to be better. End recording."  _

  
  
  


Peter Lukas didn't notice Jon's disappearance at first. But in the weeks afterwards a nervous energy began to reside in him and he'd even asked Martin if he'd seen the man. If Martin himself hadn't been so worried he'd have laughed in the man's face, as if Martin not seeing Jon wasn't in Peter's plans all along.

Now though, Martin was being left to himself more and more. Sitting digesting the tape that Jon had left for them. It made Martin mad, at both Jon and himself. He was mad at Jon for giving up, but he was even more so mad at himself by not noticing the signs. Jon had told Martin that he was starving, he looked like shit, and Martin ignored it and dismissed him. Jon had come to him asking to run away and Martin had practically told him that ‘he’s too connected to the Eye.’ Martin shook his head, of course Jon would interpret that that he’s too far gone and a monster to bother. 

Basira had left going after Jon, leaving the Archives fairly vacant, aside from Daisy who mainly kept to herself. Martin began going back into there to do his research, seeing if he could cross examine the statements that Peter was leaving him, as well as do some organizing during downtime. 

It was there that the tape recorders began to appear at him again. It didn't matter what he was doing they'd just suddenly appear sometimes in multitudes. After the incident in the Panopticon it seemed when Elias came down to the Archives to bother Martin, the recorders would manifest in droves above the man's head until he left the Archives. They felt more real and aware now, and Martin couldn’t help but think that Jon might have something to do with them. It stirred Martin to talk with them more, he knew that if Jon was on the other side watching he was certainly wallowing and maybe Martin could help.a

Martin was in the middle of a lengthy game of minesweeper, when he felt a shift through the institute. For a moment it felt as if his heart was slowing to a stop, and he felt like he was going to collapse. Then it suddenly stopped and he was fine again. He heard Daisy as she stumbled into the main room that he was in. They verified with each other that they had felt the same thing and Martin decided to run up to Elias's office to see if he knew anything about it. Along the way he noticed that other employees seemed to be feeling similar effects.

He opened the door to Elias's office door, without knocking and revealed Jon or rather the Archivist standing over the slowly disintegrating body of Elias Bouchard. He spun over to look at Martin when the door opened and Martin saw the eyes scattered all over the Archivist's body, now all looking directly at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Martin: Fuck, I definitaly accidentally set off Jon, he’s probably off wallowing thinking he’s an irredemable monster.   
> Jon the past 3 chapters: I can’t be around the people I love because I’m an irredeemable monster.  
> I do not care if the tapes become canonized to be web my fic my rules   
> I’ve had this chapter practically written since chapter 2, meanwhile i spent like 2 and a half weeks trying to write chapter 3 rip.   
> Also sorry not confrontation with Jonah, dude dies off screen.
> 
> don't forget to  
> Eat Sleep Rave Repeat


	5. I Want to See the World Differently

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Archivist makes a rash decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally time for some dialog.  
> Warnings: mentions of past cannibalism, implied death threats,

The Archivist’s head was scrambled now that the adrenaline of dealing with Jonah ceased. He could feel all the statements in his Archive slotted around haphazardly and it was nauseous. Jonah's strength and memories were pulsing through him faster than his other victims, he found himself on the cold hard ground of Jonah’s office seething in pain. Something gently grabbed him and carried him off, while all his other senses screamed in static. 

He had barely given himself enough time to digest his meal in Germany and now with Jonah on top of that he felt like his skin could burst off at any moment leaving nothing but a mess of eyes and knowing behind. He was laid down on a familiar surface, and someone was talking to him, but they were buried under everything. Instead he simply faded out to sleep.

  
  


"You can't see him." Martin's voice cut through the other side of the door.

There was a muffled response, Basira. The Archivist knew what she was likely there for, and the Archivist knew that she wouldn't be fulfilling her plans either. He rose to his feet and headed over to the door, pulling it open and startling Martin who was blocking it.

"Basira." The Archivist flatly spoke.

"Archivist." She said meeting his eyes.

“It would be in your best interest not to kill me before I’m able to explain myself.”

“That you killed Elias, and we’re not dead?”

“Yes, that would be it.”

“And I suppose that means that his ‘beating heart of the institute’ claims apply to you now?” 

“Yes.”

“Of course they do.” 

“I will not let you sacrifice the employees here at the Institute just so that you can get rid of one more monster.”

“I wasn’t planning on it, wouldn’t do much good.”

“I suppose not.” The Archivist paused for a moment, “I will be staying here for the time being, as while London is the place where I have encountered most of my life threatening events, I figure it would be best if I wasn’t running off into danger as I have been. I feel that would put the lives of those who work here in too much unnecessary risk, even if as I am now, I would likely be able to handle it.”

“Alright then. Don’t think of this as me being complicit.”

“Of course not.” the Archivist replied, and Basira left, leaving the Archivist alone with Martin. 

“So are you really not Jon anymore, you’re just the Archivist?” Martin asked.

“Well, it’s hard to say. I’ve never had a moment where I felt like I’d changed from before, the most significant change was waking up from the coma and needing live statements. But from my waking up to the day I left, I hadn’t changed, it was more symbolic. Now though, I’ve let so much of the eye in, I could be. I don’t know though, everything feels like me but, I don’t think it is.” The Archivist answered.

“Like your uh, new diet.”

"Right, that was mostly the Eye, yes."

"I'm afraid to ask, but what do you mean mostly?"

"Well, the Eye isn't too happy that I ate Jonah. He was- Oh-oh Lord." the Archivist paused taking in his new information. "Jonah was going to perform an eye ritual using me as the catalyst. I'm uh, I'm one mark away." The Archivist sensed Martin's confusion.

"Essentially, his goal was to get an Archivist and mark it with all 14 fears, thus creating a record of fear, that would then read the incantation and open the gateway to allow the entities to come here in their fullness. While I personally wouldn't partake in such a ritual, if he were to in case it inside a statement, I fear that I wouldn't be able to stop. By consuming Jonah, I essentially stopped that from happening which the Eye isn't too happy about." 

“Why did it let you then?”

“I don’t know curiosity perhaps? If I get marked by the Lonely I may still be compelled to read it, but as I am currently it wouldn't work."

"So you're just a time bomb just waiting for it to happen."

"I suppose so, yes." The dread began to pile inside the Archivist’s gut. “I- I need to think, get some air. I’ll be back.” He said and scurried out of the Archive. 

The Archivist didn’t want the world to end, he didn’t. If he could control it he wouldn’t even go near the statement. While the Eye wasn’t one to puppet it’s Avatars around, the Archivist had spent his time allowing it in and indulging in its whims. While it may not have felt good, it did feel right, and the Archivist was afraid of what he’d do once he could feel the pull. 

If he read it now though, it would surely fail. It would be incomplete, collapse on itself. Jonah Magnus had to wait 200 years before he could attempt another ritual. If the Archivist performed it now, it would at least delay it. He could destroy the evidence of how it was attempted and delay it even longer. And so the Archivist headed up towards the office of Jonah Magnus and began preparing himself to make a very rash decision. 

He pulled the statement out of a compartment in Jonah’s desk, and began to read.

  
  
  


He could feel the entities banging behind the door that he could almost open. The Eye closer than ever, he couldn't bring them all in, he didn’t want to. He was sure that he didn’t want to. But here next to the boundary between him and the Eye, he reached for the handle. The Archivist didn’t turn it, but rather let the chill of it all seep into him from the handle. Absorbing the Knowing into his core as it seeped through the handle and into the Archivist. Connecting it to him.

“-”

The Archivist could See, Know, and Feel all of it, the weight of it moving through him. Heavy, euphoric, constant, but not understood until he reached for it. Picking at the secrets of mankind, beholding it.

“-”

As it washed through him though, it wasn't enough, he was full but it wasn't enough. Surely it wouldn’t be. He wasn’t tied to the other entities, the essence of the Eye should be enough.

"-"

The Archivist began to search, across the expansion of the known. It was all here, the knowledge, the paranoia, and the fear, all the essence of his entity, of himself. But it was hollow, because at his core, the Archivist didn’t want the world to end and he didn't want this. 

“-n”

The Archivist didn’t want the fear. He just needed it. The euphoria from it all, it was just the satisfaction of feeling full. Of feeling something, beyond his own pain and loneliness. He would never be able to escape what he was if he wanted to live, but to be alive he needed something else entirely. 

“Jon.” 

The Archivist pulled the Eye back and looked forward.

“Hello Martin.”

“Jon! Were you even thinking?!” Martin scolded him.

“Yes I was, I knew the ritual wouldn’t work so I performed it.”

“You just said that you wouldn’t risk your life and endanger the Institute employees, and yet I find you collapsed on the floor again for the second time today.”

“I’m sorry Martin.”

“Are you actually sorry, or are you just saying that to get me to leave you alone.”

“I don’t want you to leave.” the Archivist quickly replied, “I don’t want to be alone.”

“O-kay?” 

“I-I mean you can leave if you’d like. I just rather you didn’t. I think that I don’t do well when I’m isolated, I make bad decisions.”

“You certainly do, but how about we don’t have this conversation in Elias’s office?” 

The Archivist blinked at his surroundings and nodded, following Martin closely as they headed back down to the Archives.

  
  


"I can't be human for you Martin. I stopped once I woke up. The paper statements, the waiting, it was just me denying the truth. If I deny my nature and let it build, I’ll just keep spiraling out of control. I stop having choices because the hunger becomes all I can think of.

I don’t want to be any more monstrous than I have to be, and if I can think coherently, even if it is to the satisfaction of the Eye, I believe that it is still better than starving myself and it consuming my thoughts. 

I wish I could be human for you. I wish I could just pull out the eye and be normal, and we could get together and live a normal life. Instead I’ve just been wallowing and sinking deeper and deeper, unable to come up for air anymore because I’ve adapted to the water. I don’t want you to drown yourself for me, but I also don’t want you to leave, and I just can’t stand how selfish that makes me.” The Archivist admitted looking at anything but Martin. 

Martin on the other hand was staring right at the Archivist, watching him dart his eyes around and wave his hands around. Jon, to Martin’s surprise, in the middle of a self deprecating rant, had admitted without hesitation that he wanted to date Martin. Martin had heard Jon admit his feelings for him over the tape, but now to him, face it face it was different. Jon wasn’t human, he needed to go out and traumatize people to stay alive, and he had eyes scattered across his body, but Martin didn’t actually know if he cared or not. The Archivist was still just Jon, a scared and lonely man who did his best to make sure that nobody could tell. 

“Jon, I want you to look at me.” Martin told him and the Archivist slowly raised his eyes, “It’s not selfish. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Because you’re stuck with me.”

“No Jon, it’s because I want to be. Your value isn’t less because you were tricked into being a monster and accepted it. I think that most people, if given the opportunity to come back to life, would do it. Especially under your circumstances. You came back isolated and confused, and I helped perpetuate that, but I won’t anymore. We can work through this.”

“I don’t want you to have to live with loving someone who has to hurt others to survive.” the Archivist said softly.

“I already do Jon! My feelings don’t just magically go away, just because you’ve decided yourself unworthy of love.” 

“Oh.” the Archivist whispered, dropping his eyes back down.

“You’ve said it yourself, you are the Archivist, it’s not something that is going to go away. It’s just something that we’ll have to learn how to handle, and as you said starving you to the point of uncontrolled hunger is probably not the best option.”

The Archivist didn’t look up.

“Okay?” Martin asked.

“Okay,” he softly replied, “I-if we’re going to, you know, continue, can you call me Jon?”

“I have been.”

“Yes, you have.” Jon replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Archivist when he finds out he’s the catalyst to the apocalypse: hmm guess I’ll eat the Eye now too.  
> The big thing that I wanted to do with this fic is have an ending where Jon’s monsterhood isn’t fixed, but rather understood.  
> Martin: Maybe just slow down on the cannibalism ok?  
> Jon: Believe it or not it was only 5 people
> 
> ending this was hard bc I did want some more monster!Jon fallout with his actions, but also I don't want to over stuff the story and shoehorn it in. I think the concept of monster!Jon still getting love and supported, while also being ominous is pretty neat. 
> 
> if the romantic dialog is cheesy, yea that's because I personally don't 
> 
> also basira is hard to write, but i think everyone already knows that 
> 
> also thank you all for all the comments! they helped fuel me through this, I have difficulty responding to things, but i have read every single one of them over and over
> 
> And lastly: eat sleep rave repeat


End file.
